Thursday, June 2, 2011

guest post: the moo

While I give my writing skills a little time to re-charge (like, a day), I asked The Moo to pinch-hit on this post. I gave him the wide open topic of, "I don't know, something about Father's Day, maybe? Like how you're not like a normal father...?" He didn't give me even the slightest withering glance, and instead was immediately "Sure! I'll do it right now!"

& here it is.


You know, I never looked forward to Father’s Day. When I was a kid, my dad never made a big deal out of it, so neither did I. I would buy him a (moderately ugly) tie and make a (terribly ugly) card and call it a day. I never really thought about what the day was supposed to mean until I got older. By the time I was in middle and high school, I wanted to do something nice for my dad on his day, but I really didn’t know what.

That’s when the advertising kicked in: Father’s Day sale at Sears - 40% off lawn mowers! or Today only - Buy one, Get one round of golf free! Jesus…what a nightmare. See, here’s the thing: I don’t like any of the stuff dads are supposed to like, at least according to Hallmark. And while my dad is slightly more manly than I am (as in, he plays golf, but only once a year, and he’s awful), neither of us fit into the mold of Father’s Day.

So now, as an adult, and as a father, I don’t know what to think. On one hand, I like the idea of being given stuff; that’s always been a real treat. I also like someone dedicating a day to me. On the other hand, if someone ever gets me a card that says something about 18 holes in one or about some horrible, sexy nurse, I’ll lose my mind. I don’t want to golf; it seems silly. I don’t want to mow the lawn. Ever. I already have to do it, but I’ll be damned if I’ll ever want to do it. If you look through a Searsarific lens, I’m just not Father’s Day material.

Oh well. I’ll just forge my own destiny, carve my own niche, and other similar clich├ęs.

To end this little guest post, I’ll give the blogosphere two lists: 1. Things I like about Father’s Day; 2. Things I want for this, and all future, Father’s Days.

Things I Like About Father’s Day
1. It’s a Sunday; always a plus.
2. It’s during baseball season. Really, that reason can apply to every day between April and November.
3. There’s never anything big planned. No one ever says, “Let’s go away for Father’s Day!” It’s easy and relaxing, just as a holiday dedicated to me should be.
4. It’s an excuse to get ridiculous finger paintings from Natalie.
5. It’s just a day to spend with my beautiful wife and perfect daughter. That’s tough to beat.

Things I Want For Father’s Day (This Year or Any Year)
1. Nothing. Really, nothing would be fine with me. I don’t need anything. Seriously. But, if you’re absolutely determined to give me something, see numbers two through five.
2. A massage. Now, this can come in two different ways. It could be a gift certificate for a professional massage (and for all the straight men in the world who steer clear of massages because they might feel good or make you happy, you’re all idiots); this is a welcome gift for any occasion. Or, it could just be a massage from Hilary. Who, incidentally, could easily be a professional masseuse. She simply chooses not to overuse her talents. Because that’s how she rolls.
3. A dinner out. This could be a family meal with Natalie on a sunny deck overlooking the ocean or a baby-sittered date night out at a fine French bistro.
4. Any gift certificate (as long as it is to
5. A day. It can be a day by myself, where I watch terrible television (Spartacus, anyone?) and play video games, away from the judging eyes of my 28-year-old, much-more-mature peers. Or it can be a day with my wonderful little family. A day at the beach. A day at the playground. A day where we all just walk until the sun goes down. Just a day.

Because, in the end, every day feels like a holiday to me. I know that sounds hokey, but it’s completely true. Other than the occasional down moment, I rarely want for anything. A little more money or a little less rain never hurts, but I have a gorgeous, loving wife, a great job teaching 18 year olds about Macbeth, and perhaps the funniest daughter on Earth. Who needs Father’s Day?


  1. This is awesome! I've been trying to get Shawn to do this, I will have to let him read this post and get inspired! How sweet and always good to hear a man's perspective:)

  2. You are totally like my dad and hubby! When did golf, grilling, and lawnmowers become everything a father should be? I say hurrah for fingerpaints!

  3. Fuck you and the high horse you rode in on.